Soccer-Mum: a genuine ‘no’ from me.

It is Saturday morning. Both my girls are at soccer matches, so is Scott and I am at home. Not because I have other plans. Not because I am unwell. I just don’t want to be at a soccer pitch today. I don’t want to rush on the weekend. I don’t want to stand in the cold for an hour or so. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to enjoy my weekend. And soccer is not part of this.

I have never liked organised teams’ sports. The commitment and the backlash you cop when you don’t show up for the team is something that has always turned me off being part of anything really. I used to be part of a marching band when I was a teenager and as soon as they started their passive aggressive guilt inducing comments when I didn’t make it to practise, I quit.

I used to have a boyfriend who was into soccer in my late teens. I didn’t watch one of his games. Not one. We were a couple for three years! I hated the fact that he couldn’t go out dancing with me the night before a game. It simply took too much freedom away.

I feel very similar about what is happening right now. My husband loves team sports; He has always played footy. Now he coaches a girls’ soccer team and both my girls are playing. He also started playing himself recently. So, this means several nights are swallowed up by training and the weekend is cluttered with soccer matches all over the place.

In my mind.

Of course, the rest of my family loves it.

I am fully aware that my opinion is very controversial. A good mum shows up to her kid’s games. She drives them around wherever they want to go and she supports them no matter what. If the child wants to play three different sports – no worries mum and dad have got you covered. We drive you around each night of the week and our weekends are packed with rushing between matches and kid’s birthday parties.

No thank you.

No.

Not for me.

I want to live my own life. I want to enjoy my weeknights when I finally get to knock off work. I need slow and calm snuggly time on the couch with a hot cup of tea and a good book. Or a nice brisk walk along the beach with my dog. Or a fun dinner with a girlfriend. On my weekends I just want to relax. I want to actually take a break. Play around with my art materials, listen to music, dance in the kitchen, sing loudly. In between all the other non-negotiable commitments like laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping, meal-planning and dinner prepping. I mean – geez – enough already! I have got no room for soccer on my plate.

And yes. I can absolutely see that there are also positives. I get to meet other mums and socialise during the match. We get to enjoy watching our girls play. We get to experience wins and losses together and share moments of great joy with each other. We get to be proud of our kids. We get to cheer them on. We get to experience how important it is to pat them on the back and say ‘chin up. You played so well today.’ After losing. Or high-fiving them and celebrating them after a win. These moments are so wonderful and valuable. And I do go and join in sometimes. And this is my point: SOMETIMES!

I refuse to bow to the prescription of a good mother ALWAYS being there. I think of myself as a terrific mum, actually. I am solid. I am here to celebrate and high-five and I am here to cuddle and hold space after a loss. Just not always at the pitch. I feel like it is ok for me to do that when they come home.

And sometimes when I feel resourced and happy to go to a game, I will go. And I will go without resenting spending time there. I will genuinely enjoy being there. I will be able to connect with other parents and the game in the present moment.

I know myself. If I felt like I had to go. Like I didn’t have a choice or a say in if I want to go or not, I would resent being there. Part of me would sulk and wish I didn’t have to do this. Not that I would openly show or say this to anyone, I don’t want to be a downer, but I would feel and think this way.

And I know this would come out in another way. I know that when you constantly override your needs for others, if you do this again and again, it will burst out in anger or snarky comments in one way or another. When parents over-commit and over-give (mothers are extremely good at this) we start feeling resentful at some point and say things like “I do everything for you!” with the expectation of gratitude or some form of acknowledgement of all the times we sacrificed our own needs for someone else's.

The kids don’t get it. Most of the time they don’t know where that came from and neither do parents. They don’t realise that they have said ‘yes’ to things they actually wanted to say ‘no’ to. They are so used to doing what is expected of them that they often never learnt to check in with themselves to see if they actually really want this. They just do what is expected.

So, I choose to be there when I want to. And that is not very often.

This morning, I did feel a little bit wobbly in my decision to stay home. I felt the expectations of society weighing on me that I SHOULD be there. I should drive Parker to her match and make sure she was feeling safe and supported. A good mum is always there. I was wondering if Parker would be ok to hitch a ride with another family and not having anyone from our family there to support her. But then I thought “This is actually a great opportunity for her to build some resilience and a sense of self away from us.”. Yes, I know it is uncomfortable for her. I asked her how she felt about it all. And if she had said that she really didn’t want to do that, I would have driven her. That’s a different story, right? She is nine. It is ok for her to leave her comfort zone and develop some courage going off on her own, trusting herself that she’d be ok, forming new relationships on her own. They are all great skills to develop at this age. I will check in with her again when she comes home to see how it all went for her. How she felt about it. I am not putting myself first at all cost. But I am putting myself first any chance I get. This is the only way I can keep giving.

So today, I am at home writing, listening to Fleetwood Mac, lighting incents, singing, sipping coffee, enjoying this gloomy wintery Saturday morning by myself while the rest of my family play soccer. And I love it.

If you want to hear your genuine 'yes' and 'no' again and unlearn the societal prescriptions of what a good mother should act and be like, start with noticing you 'why' when making decisions. Are you making decisions because you feel like you will be judged by others (or yourself) for being a bad parent? What are your real values?

If you want to hear your own clear voice again, I suggest you start meditating. It was the first step for me years ago to start hearing myself again. It is so refreshing to start making choices for you and what you really want.

I have recorded a couple free meditations, if you would like to explore shame, guilt or resentment in motherhood, you can get the free resources here:

• Meeting Resentment with Love

• Mum-Guilt Workbook & Meditation